A Need to be Thinner
by Voca-Chan-o1
Summary: "A nervous laugh escaped my clenched teeth, 'But who am I kidding? I can't handle the bitter reality' I throw my head back with insanity, 'I'd be better off in hell'" Rin has an issue of insanity. She cuts herself and purges, all starting from a simple need to be thinner. /TRIGGER WARNING/ DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM/
1. A Normal Day

So I'm back! Reviews have mentioned how my story should be longer, or things that don't make sense. I've decided to rewrite "A Need to be Thinner." I plan on the rewrite having over 15 chapters. I actually like the rewrite a lot better than the original so far! Please read and review and I'll try my best to update soon!

-Rin POV-

Rain sped down my window, like every droplet racing to the bottom. They jump off the windowsill, making that one jump to change life. I'd tell them to stop, but that would be hypocritical. One day I would like to do the same. More water drops would jump from the clouds, thinking life's better down here. It's not. These poor clouds would cry their eyes out, and I let tears emerge with them. Almost everyday there was some sort of rain, almost everyday I cried some sort of cry. I watched every little tear drop reach the mud, and my tears drop to my wooden desk. A nock on my door snaps me out of my observing mode. "Hey Rin! Dinner is ready!" It was my sister, Gumi passing by. I rubbed my hand against the rough texture of my desk, and wobbled out of my chair. I stared at my fat stomach, and swallow even the slightest of a positive comment. No food. I didn't need food. I never ate. But I always went to the dining room anyways.

Everyday it got harder to go down the stairs. I'd struggle to reach the bottom, just to see a table full of reasons to be guilty. I slip into the chair in the corner of the table. The one little spot that doesn't get the light from the dangling chandelier. Gumi would sit on the left side, and Kaito right beside her. My mom would sit at the head of the table, and the spot closest to me was always empty. My father, Rinto (who I was named after), used to sit there. But one day, he walked out the door, and never came back. I did follow after him, for someday I wished to walk off a cliff and never come back. Kaito and Gumi giggled, making stupid jokes like they always did. My mom would chime in every now and then to burst into laughter as well. Gumi and Kaito were always so close, they were only a year apart. I, on the other hand, was 14, four years younger than Gumi and five than Kaito. My mom paid attention to her favorite children, and I was actually sort of glad. I didn't want her to see her pathetic daughter starve herself and slowly fall apart. They laughed with joy that I could not reach, as I stared out into the grey skies. The crying clouds, screaming thunder, and furious lightning, no one ever thought much of them. They were practically just shrugged of like grass in our everyday life. No matter how hard the try, no one will answer their desperate calls for help. I'd try, but I was merely just a speck of unimportance in a galaxy of beautiful others. "So do you like it?" Kaito called out to me, snapping me out of my delusional thoughts. I raised my eyebrow, I wasn't listening. "The meatloaf!" My mother finished. "Oh, uh... Yeah!" I said, letting off a fake smile. "Oh Rinny! Haha! You're adorable!" Kaito squealed, rocking in his seat. I moved the meat around with my fork. The smell mocked me. I could only imagine how great it must've tasted. I could've seen for myself, but I was to busy letting my stomach throw a fit. They all continue to laugh and I force a shameful little 'heehee' between my teeth. I stared back out the window, how could they have ever laughed at a world so cruel? Gumi flicked a pea at me, which hit me in the shoulder, "Hey! Do you want to come to the mall with Kaito and I?" I shrugged, "I guess." She lets out an excited squeak. "Hey! You can bring Len with us!" Kaito grins, showing off his pearly white teeth. My heart starts beating just a bit faster with the thought of Len. He was my best friend since 3rd grade, and still was. I nod and stare at the ground trying to hide the little flush of red that arouse in my cheeks. He never judged me. He knew when to stop teasing, when enough was enough. I pushed out my chair and silently said, "I'll ask." Gumi and Kaito grinned as I slowly limped upstairs. As I got closer to the top, I heard my family below start talking about me, but I was to sore to walk back down there.

Once in my room, I picked up my white iPhone. I scrolled down my list of five contacts: Gumi

Kaito

Mom

Police

Len3

I clicked on Lens number and anxiously waited as it rang. Finally, after three long buzzing moments, he picked up the phone. "Hey there Rin!" he answered with his bubbly voice. "Hi," I replied quietly, "D-do you want to go to the mall with Gumi, Kaito, and me?" The line was a bit silent as he probably asks his mom, then he chirped, "Yeah! What time?" I bit the inside of my lip, "I don't know... Just text Gumi later or something." "Okay!" He giggled and hung up. Those 5 seconds on the phone with Len were the highlight of my week. I plopped down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Why couldn't I be his, and only his? I sighed and walked over to the scale in the corner of my room. 71.4 pounds, that was so fat for a 14 year old. I ran out into the hall and nocked on my moms door. "Mom, I'll be in the shower!" I fake smiled and giggled with the best bubbly voice I could do. She replied, "Okay!" I stuck my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants and caressed my finger around the razor and locked myself into the bathroom.

You never know what true horror is till your staring at the image reflecting back at you in the mirror. I took out my blade and kissed it in the mirror image. At first, I would fear pieces of metal that sharp, but now they were my closest friend. It started with just a simple scratch across my wrist, but advanced going onto deep cuts, perfectly capable of leaving scars. Sometimes the artist in me would come out, and I would paint with the red fluid of my veins or cut a picture into my legs. I liked showing people my watercolor paintings, but I would never show them the blood painted on my body. I sat it the bathtub and let the water turn blood red. The figure of my legs was surrounded by red like the sun is surrounded by solar flares. I sunk my hand into the water and lifted it like I was sifting for gold. Instead of sand or muck covered in bits of tiny gold, my hand brought up water mixed with blood. It scared me of what I could do to myself. I would be afraid that I would do it to someone else. But to be honest, I could never hurt someone like this. Even if it was for the better. When I thought my cuts had stopped bleeding enough, I drained the stained water from the tub. I wrapped the towel around me and shoved my weapon into my dirty clothes, taking them along with me. I slammed my bedroom door behind me and face planted into the bed. My breaths went at a steady, slow rate, mixing with the dust in my bedspread. My body was sore all the way out. I never expected my self harm to get that far. I guess I deserved it though. My very existence was such a burden or monster to people.

I know monsters are things only children believed in, but I came to accept that they are real. They weren't always visible monsters such as Bigfoot. No. They were inside us. They tore us apart from the inside, eating at every hope or dream. Some people could tame their monster, only a few were left with it. I wasn't strong enough to even slightly harm it. I was slowly being torn apart and nobody knew. But if someone did know, they probably wouldn't care.


	2. Len and the Mall

**_I'm happy to bring you the new version of chapter 2, enjoy!_**

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Rins POV

*BEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP* my alarm clock screamed into my ear, rudely waking me up from some what decent dreams. I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the time, 10:37, I was supposed to meet Len around 12. I stretched my arms out and wobbled over to my scale. The scale weighed in with a 70.4 pound reading. How fat. At least it was an improvement from two months before, when I weighed 78 pounds. I shivered at the sudden thought of all that fat on my body. I never wanted to go back to then, but at the same time I did. If I could've only gone back to when I was young, when I was innocent, when I was happy. I shook my head. I was happier this way, at least I tried to convince myself that, even though I knew for a fact it wasn't true. My body ached as I leaned over to the bucket in the corner of my room, but I shoved a few fingers down my throat to get a little thinner. A small, psychotic laugh escaped between my teeth, what was with me and my needs? I was so selfish for needing to be thinner, for needing to be perfect! I swiped the few straw hairs behind my ears, I was just some selfish bitch! I grabbed the shining metal that was tucked between my journal on my desk. I slid up the sleeves of my Hello Kitty sweater and pressed the blade against my skin. The carpet beneath me slowly began turning blood red. It was like all my worries and fears just poured away for a slight second as the red dripped off my arm. This physical pain distracted me from my emotional pain.

After a bit of attempting to clean up my mess, I glanced over at the clock, 11:09. I needed to get ready to go. My cuts wouldn't stop bleeding, so I just put bandaids all over me. I was such an ugly wreck. My arms and legs barely had visible flesh color through the purple bruised skin, the cuts, and the bandaids. Disgusting. I took off my stained sweats, and threw on a pair of baggy blue jeans and a Pierce the Veil tee shirt. I scanned my arms in the mirror before throwing on a hoodie. Sometimes I regretted ever destroying the smoothness of my skin.

Sometimes when I stared at my reflection, I could see me when I was younger, with a great big smile on my face. I could see myself playing Chutes and Ladders with my mother, Gumi, and Kaito. They would let me win, even though I thought I could win by myself. I would run around the house, chasing our old dog. But I could also see those nights, where my mother and father would argue. Where my dad would beat my mom and where my mom would cough up blood in the corner. I would stand behind the wall without them noticing I was there. Then there was the one night, where my mother was at the hospital with Gumi, when she broke her leg. My father snuck through the door with a women behind him, of which was not my mom. He rummaged through my moms stuff and took a lot of the decoration we had. I didn't know what my father was doing so I ran after him and grabbed his arm. I remember the darkness in his eyes, as he shoved me to the ground. I kept calling 'daddy' as he kicked me unconscious. I remember my confusion and how I woke up to Kaito cradling me in his arms. Even after what he did to me, I hoped he could walk through our front door and hug me and kiss me. But he never did.

"Hey Rinny! You're staying the night at Lens, get a bag together and we leave in 30 minutes!" Gumi called out, snapping me back into the present. I sighed and pressed my hand against the mirror. I wondered if there was some world beyond my reflection, a world of nonsense. A world where everything happened as I wanted it to. A wonderland where I could be the Alice. I shook my head and reached for my bag. I shoved a decent amount of stuff in it, then ran a brush through my messy dirty blond hair. I curled the mascara stick over my eyelashes and shoved it with the rest of my stuff. I plopped down at my desk and rested my chin in my hands. I stared out the window at the muddy land and dying trees, I wanted to go some where greener, where I could soar through my problems, fly.

"Let's go!" Kaito and Gumi giggled, nocking on my door. I limped over to open it, and put on my best fake smile I had. We stomped down the stairs, and I tried my best to look strong. We hopped into Kaito's mini-van and drove to the orange tree where we always met Len. The tree was slowly dying though. I watched it sprout and grow, but this was the start of watching it die. Len carried a red umbrella over his messy blonde hair, and greeted us with a smile. He jumped into the seat next to me and started blabbering with Gumi and Kaito about some school clubs or something, I didn't pay much attention. Len spoke with such joy and excitement in his eyes. His hair bounced as he turned his head between my two siblings. He wore a tight fitting, black, Soul Eater t-shirt, and a gray hoodie over it. I stared at him in awe till he turned to me and noticed my eyes on him. He didn't seem bothered though, he just gave me a grin that made me feel like a split second of life was paused, and turned back to chatting. I could feel heat rushing through my cheeks, and I turned to look at the floorboard. When we began pulling up to the entrance, Len set his hand in the space between us. Without even thinking, I put my hand on top of his and let my heart race. A slight smile tiptoed onto my face, and I felt a rush like adrenaline. The car tugged to a stop and Len slid his hand out from under mine. He grabbed his umbrella and jumped out of the car. I stepped out into a puddle. We began walking up to the mall when Gumi and Kaito rushed to some store by the entrance, leaving Len and I alone in a chattering mall.

Len grabbed my hand and shoved his other one in his pocket, "So...How's it going Rin?" I shrugged and answered, "Fine," even though I was feeling awful. He bit the inside of his lip, "Me too, I guess." He took his hand out of his pocket and brushed his fingers through his messy hair, "My parents just haven't been getting along lately, and I've just been kinda thrown in the middle of it." I leaned my head up against his shoulder, "Oh." Even though he wasn't my boyfriend, we acted very close. We were very close. "I think they're going to get a divorce soon, and I don't think my mom will let me see my dad," he said with a distant look. I sighed and squeezed Len's hand tighter. He took a deep breathe then pointed to an ice cream stand, "Hey we should get some ice cream!" A nervous giggle escaped my mouth, "Ahaha...um I think I'm fine!" He shrugged, he didn't want it if I didn't. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, causing me to flinch at contact with my cuts. "Rin, are you feeling okay? You don't have to come over later you know," he said, noticing my discomfort. I shake my head, "I'm fine." In my mind, I laugh a bit. 'I'm fine'. It was the most common told lie that came out of me. He just nodded and kept on walking with me. He stared out the windows, probably deep in thought. "Hey Rin," he said after a long moment of silence, "what do you think the rain is?" I stared at the falling drops of water and hesitated on telling him. "I think the clouds are just like cliffs," I finally decided, "and the raindrops are its victims. The raindrops jump, for a better life, but crash down to the ground. Just on a suicide mission. Or maybe it's the clouds tears. Just wanting to be noticed." Len nodded silently for a bit, but then settled on his perspective, "Or maybe they are wishes. Wishes from a star, finally coming down to be pursued. I dunno." I stared at the rain a bit. Wishes. Dreams. My dreams and wishes could've been in there somewhere, but if they were, they evaporated before reaching the ground. Len and I window shopped a bit longer till Gumi needed to leave for something. She dropped us off at Len's house. Len's mom, Lenka, greeted me with a friendly hello, while his dad just kinda nodded at me.

After I declined an orange and Len ate a banana, he asked me to play video games with him. We ended up playing some horror game, a jumpscare to be specific. I took the wrong time to take a sip of water and spilled it all over myself when something popped out. Len burst into laughter and I punched him in the shoulder, "Don't laugh!" He pushed his lips together, trying to hide his smile, and grabbed one of his sweaters out of the closet, "Just throw this on real quick." I slid his sweater over my shirt and began playing whatever the crap the jumpscare game was. His sweater smelled just like him, making me feel comfortable. Every now and then, I would glance over at Len, with a determined look on his face. A slight smile curled up onto my cheeks, and I let out a small laugh of relief.

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**_Please read and review, and I'll work on new updates!_**


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